I Think I Wrote This In My Nightmares


So there are at least six plots that most American movies follow and one of them is called 'ultra-masculine action hero who just happens to have a small kid in his orbit that needs rescuing in the face of world destruction'. Greenland is the latest and it pretty slavishly sticks to this plot. One of my dirty little secrets is that I rather like movies about the world ending - why?? - and so couldn't help myself giving this one the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately it didn't deserve it.


So yes, firstly we have our hero, Russel Crowe looking suitably rugged with a beard and a craggy but still handsome visage. Then we have his ridiculously thin and gorgeous wife - I mean who ever, ever looks like that, especially when they are running away from total world annihilation? When will Hollywood figure out that most of us are a size 12 or more and that we haven't had the benefit of an insane amount of facial remodelling and would prefer to see someone who looks more normal - and can actually act. Finally, we have the sickly and sweet little boy who needs saving, especially since - surprise - he has diabetes. Oh no.


So when earth's end starts to look like a real possibility with the arrival of an earth crushing comet, what do they do? Of course they get into their sickeningly enormous SUV and try to outrun it. They get to do this because in the face of their neighbours wanting to rip their eyeballs out, they are the only ones that get the special government invite to go to one of the specially designed bunkers for comet survival. These have been built to save a good portion of the American white suburban population since they will be the vast majority of the survivors with a few minority and foreign bodies inhabiting non-suburbia and non-America thrown in to fulfil a few undesirable jobs in post-comet America.


There's a lot of necessary mishaps such as leaving the insulin in the back of the SUV while making a mad dash to the bunker - after all, wouldn't everyone leave an 8 year old in charge of bringing his live saving medicine alongside his blankie? The insulin abandonment also conveniently lays the groundwork for splitting up the wife and husband so that they spend the whole movie trying to find each other again. Did they get to the plane? Of course. Did they survive while everyone else was falling like flies? Definitely. Were they there to hug and hold hands when they could safely come out of the bunker 2 years later? Was there any doubt?


So Hollywood - any chance of injecting a few surprises into this formula? No? Oh well, it was worth asking.


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